My first crush was with a girl at school.
She was in allot of my classes.
Through the years she sorta grew on me.
But I never bothered to ask her out.

One day, out of the blue, in agriculture class.
She came up to me, and asked me out.
I couldn't say no.  I just had to say yes.
It was pathetic since I am a guy.
But I just couldn't see why.
Though it was never full of rose petals.

For 8 days later, I broke up with her.
For her parents treated me like a foreigner who knew little English.
She kept trying to talk me into confronting guys who show signs of interest towards her.
Only to turn around and talk to them.
Then later I get hounded by them.
Told to stay away from their girl.
Only to have them turn on each other.
Not realizing what I just figured out right there.
That bitch had all of us fighting for her.
Like a bunch of mutts fighting for their right to breed with that bitch in heat.

I ended up hiding from her in class.
I quit my job where we both worked.
I nearly got kicked out of school cause of her.
I have no idea how in the end, she was the one who ended up being forced to transfer to a different class schedule opposite of me.
She was a sweet puppy, the type you could sit down to and pamper all day.
But behind that sweet face was an ugly mutt, waiting to rip out your soul.

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My second crush was a rat.
The she seemed more like a cat.
An on-line crush we had.
To this day I smile when I think back.
To the fun we had.
On the muck, it sucked.
Cause we where not face to face.
But it was fun to lose myself.
In a virtual escape to a place where I got to love a slinky rat.
Mainly just chat as we sat on our chairs in our reality, far from each other.
It's amazing how just a bunch of text can bring people mentally close.
Yet it too can ruin everything.
A monument of your fuck ups.
Something to look at and fume over.
As I horrendously strayed, in a virtual world where anything goes.
Stupid and young I was.
But horrendous on her for she was much older and married than I.
But as a douche, I emptied out my tears.
Begging for a second chance for a clean slate.
Online, it was granted.
We where once again role playing and hanging.
But in reality, we where brooding.
Talked about how we wished things where different.
Thought of things we knew we shouldn't.
While still hanging over my virtual sins in reality.
Eventually, she was the first to crack.
She left the muck.
In order to safe her sanity and her marriage.
Something to this day I still feel horrible for.
For I never wanted to go between a married couple.
Yet I foolishly kept up the talks of our foolish dreams.
But I hope I can give myself some saving grace.
For I was on the verge of leaving myself.
Fearful that I was putting a strain on her.
Not wanting to have such a thing on my head.
To this very day, I am still sorry.
But not hearing from her is for the best.
For at least, as long I don't know, I can dream.
That things of worked out on her end.
So I hoped.
Though I cried for weeks.
“In your room,” by Depeche Mode.
She introduce me to that group and that song.
I still get teary eyed when I hear that song.
Even when I was at work flipping burgers.

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My third crush was out of the blue.
I posted a poem I done in 2003.
Posted years later on DA
It got noticed.
Striking a nerve of an older ringtail.
Saying that it got her attention.
Could not help but start replying to her comments.
It lead up to chatting in pages.
Then onto instant messages.

I was fascinated by the charming bandit.
Through the short time we chatted.
Between my off times of trucking.
She had put a huge smile on my face through my darkest days.

So mysterious, yet so open towards me.
Gave me a look into her home life.
Let me have a chance to say what felt needed to be said.
Even though it was not my business.

Through the whole time, I was curious.
I dreamed of “what if” situations about her.
Mostly of being the male to put a smile on her pretty face.
Being a Dad to her little one.
But I pushed those thoughts away, for she was taken.
I believed at the time that we will never be anything but friends.
I did not want to repeat past mistakes.
Despite how very different this was.

The great mistake I ever made with her.
Was the day I was sitting at a truck stop near her town.
A quick message over the net.
We met, in person.
I treated her and her cub to dinner.
A lovely moment to chat in person, at a Dennys.
Only to later on sit out on the grass out front near her sedan.
All past 10 PM, at night.
As a parting gift to me before she left.
The coony kissed me quickly.
Playfully
On the lips.
All I could do is just stand there stunned.
As she laughed and hopped into her car.
She said good bye and drove off.
Still standing there stunned.
For she caught me with my guard down.
And stole my heart.
For fun.

We chatted for a long while afterwards.
Though rarely bringing that up.
Her home life started to go down for the worst.
Before I knew it, she was gone.
We talked over the phone from time to time.
But eventually that faded away.

By the time I became a guard.
We rarely spoke, rarely called.
Her number was dropped.
Last time we chatted was on-line.
She moved on and found some one new.
I was really happy for her that things where going good.
But after that and a few chats.
Silence.

She may have stole my heart that night.
But at this point, I don't want to ask for it back.
Yet some how it was returned safe.
For she have at least let me know the reasons for vanishing.
She have moved on and I was no where in sight.
Scurried from tree to tree till she was gone.
If I ever see her again, I'll get my revenge.
For the quick kiss she gave me that night.

Not in an evil way.
Just a little peck.
Cause out of my crushes.
She was the best.
Cause not once have she purposely stomped on my heart.
I too have moved on.
Wondering what could have been.
But glad we have parted ways.
Though I would welcome her into my heart, once again.

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I would like to end this stupid literate garbage.
With my crush on a young vixen.
Who I some how had a chance to chat with.
Due to me asking for sketches.
She was young and chatty.
A little low on esteem.
But more than I ever have gained.

She introduced me to her BF on-line.
We all chatted for a time.
After awhile, it slowed down.
But they all had their reasons.
It never got me down.

Year or more later, a chance meeting we had.
At a local convention.
For we got to meet face to face.
Despite how busy she was.
Tending to her kit.
A bunch of clinging buddies.
And an overly protective BF.

After that, silence.
Never heard from either.
Though through that time, it never bothered me.
For I figured they where living in silence.
I barely even noticed, to be honest.

Though many months later.
I find out they are split.
She was unhappy.
Which was something I just could not let be.
For some one who seemed so cheerful and bright.
I could not stand to see her bright smile fade to a frown.
I just had to send her an e-mail.
Had to talk to her.
Thinking maybe, just maybe, I could be some one to try to cheer her.
Which when I finally did get a hold of her.
I was lost for words.
And overly worried.
Something about her made me more worried of looking like a twit.
But she was so nice to let it be.
And we started to chat a bit on-line.

I just had to voice my concerns about her to some close friends.
Something that I regret.
For the next thing I knew.
I was being pressured by them to try to be more.
When all I wanted to be was a friend.

It's amazing what loneliness can do to ones better judgment.
I can not blame my friends.
But I allowed myself to get into that hole.
Eventually I had my heart out on a silver platter.
All she had to do was take if she wanted it.
Though despite it was out there for her to grab, if need be.
I still scooted away a tad bit.
For I was afraid that it might trashed.

We once again round up at another convention.
Nearly 300 miles away, east.
We had a quick chat.
We where going to meet up later that night.
It never happened.
I was upset. But told myself to be civil.
Since I did go up to her room and heard her yelling.
At her crew of misfits.

But the next day, we chatted.
For hours till her kit retched out her lunch.
We went our separate ways.

Since then, we chatted on-line.
We had plans to possibly meet up at her place soon.
Just to hang out, watch a movie or two.
So why did I worry so much about something was not right.
But I enjoyed each chat we had each night.
While I sneaked on-line while at work.

So what happened, next, I don't know.
For things went silent, chats no more.
E-mails no longer answered.
And I find myself alone.
But I did my best to remind myself that she's busy.
With studies that she must keep up with.

But after awhile, I started to run out of excuses.
I started to wonder what's going on.
Have I done something wrong?
Or did I lose interest from her?
Vixens, I been told, can be hell.
Selfish, heartless, cruel, and vain.
I still feel she's none of that.
But one thing is for sure.
I feel I no longer have an appeal.
For I am a toy who lost all amusement.
Been tossed to the side and ignored.
As I watched on the way side.
Seeing her finally happy once more.
Though not because of me.
And not been given the decency to be put away.
Or at least be given to another who could use a smile.
Just tossed in a corner in her room.
Laying there, ignored.
Not once given a response, but once and awhile given glances.
Just a toy, who lost his appeal.